The staple is a practical bit of magic that almost anyone can use. The machine called “Stapler” acts as the staple enabler. That’s how the stapler got its name: staple(enable)r. The staple’r was invented in 1767 by a young Turk from Hungary named Alfred von Lastname. He found that if you tied a string of solid lead through the holes in several papers, you cured the headache of organizing papers, but also caused the headache of lead poisoning. Hence the need for the stapler. The staple uses friction and gravity to “hold” several “sheets” of paper together. You cannot put a staple in the middle of a page because of Newton’s Seventh Law of Stationary. Staples come in a variety of sizes, but mostly people just use “standard staple” size, because of a government mandate in the Reagan years.
How Does it Work? Episode 3: Staples
May 29th, 200923rd Century Environmentalism
May 26th, 2009Note: The following piece was taken from a 23rd Century text, a tome on environmentally friendly living, which was (will be) wildly successful and influential. The circumstances of its appearance in this, the 21st Century, will likely be explained in a future e-post. It has to do with the internet, and the physical properties of ether(net). In the mean time, though, enjoy the introduction to this magnificent future book.
Hello, welcome to the new, expanded, 35th edition of Eco-Friendly Lifestyle, the leading publication on living an environmentally friendly life. This edition was printed on recycled paper made entirely from recycled drug store flyers. The ink is an amalgam of toothpaste left at the end of the tubes found at the dump, and black hair dye #4E, “Radiant Twilight”, discontinued for its tendency to cause “Radiant Brain Cancer”.
The first thing you’ll notice is that we have added 2 new chapters dealing entirely with the problem of skin flakes and hair loss. Great strides have been made in vacuum-trouser technology since our last publication, and we feel confident that the rampant epidermal carpet-bombing should be curbed shortly.
Also, in chapter 38, we take you on a tour of an orange peel disposal plant where they burn the orange peels, then burn the ashes of the orange peels, then sequester the smoke and residue in great steel drums made from repossessed Ford Taurus Wagons, which are then jettisoned to the sun using wind-powered cannons. Behold, the march of progress!
You will find revisions in “Chapter 7: Liquid Gold – Converting Urine to Table Cloths”, with all new macramé patterns, including, “Balloons Over Dover” and, “Dogs with Lollipops” among others.
We’ve printed various letters we received after the last edition, but in order to save paper and ink, they have all been reproduced on a single page, illegible to those not in the possession of an electron microscope. (Editor’s note: You can find such a microscope in any number of universities, a list of which is printed on a smaller, even more illegible footnote.)
We realize that for many of our readers, ecological intelligence is not just a hobby, but a life choice, so for those people we have included some suggested prayers, as well as the names of several eco-friendly patron saints. Like St. Almo, patron saint of personal methane sequestration, and St. Blank, who voluntarily removed all the letters from his name because, “the earth had too many letters in it already.” Ironically, St. Blank takes more letters to spell than the original name given to him by his parents, which was Io Fe. I guess we know where his attitude toward short names came from! St. Blank is also the patron saint of hypocrisy.
Lastly, we encourage you, the reader, to not only proselytize our message of hope, but once finished, return the book to us so we can sell the pre-read copy of it. If you are currently reading a pre-read copy, thank you for being a better human being than the last person. St. Almo would approve!
Thank you, and enjoy! From your friends at Chemcor, leading manufacturer of lead-based oil extractors and oil extracting equipment also made of lead.
How Does it Work? Episode 2: Hurricanes
May 22nd, 2009Hurricanes are big wind circles that start in the ocean and end on land. Wind is the enemy of the ocean, and so the ocean tries to push hurricanes toward hills and trees where the wind feels more comfortable. Hurricane winds can reach up to 200km/h, which is not quite as fast as a child’s sneeze. This is why you can’t catch a cold from a hurricane, so that’s good news. Most people who say that hurricanes are dangerous live on the coast, and they’re just mad because the ocean is usually pretty nice to them, bringing them bottles with letters in them, and wet logs, and Swedish piano players.
How Does it Work? Episode 1: Tides
May 12th, 2009Tides in oceans and seas happen because of the moon. When there is a full moon, the oceans come up, because the moon is at its biggest. Then they slowly recede as the moon gets smaller. (Gravity is relative to mass.) The most dangerous time is during a lunar eclipse, which is when the earth sits on top of the moon, and the oceans go all crazy, causing tsunamis and tidal waves. Tides make blue whales sea-sick, because blue whales are very sensitive to ups and downs.
How to Recession-Proof Your Home
April 27th, 2009Recession is a big, scary word. The good news is that it’s just that: a word. Just a word, and a crippling series of economic events that leaves millions of innocent, hard working people in destitution.
That said, recession is more than just a word for many. But fear not, my disenfranchised automaton, there is something you can do. Every day, ordinary Canadians are doing little things to fight the recession where it counts most: in the home.
Recession-proofing your home is easier than it sounds, and it sounds next to impossible! If you follow these simple, easy to understand, laborious steps, your home will weather the storm like a straw bale in a hurricane.
STEP 1: Rid Yourself of the Very Old/Young
This may seem like a no-brainer to some, but it’s surprising how many people continue to bear (keep) children (seniors) in a time of hardship. I once counselled a kind Chinese couple (I only mention that they’re Chinese because I feel their ethnicity ascribes certain behavioural/societal defects to them that would otherwise be hard to explain) who were still taking care of 3 out of their 4 parents, despite the fact that none of the three was working a full-time job! People, you can scrimp and save all you want, but useless dependents will always be a drain on your bank statement. Young children are even worse than the elderly, as they go through more clothes and just as many diapers.
STEP 2: Throwing Away Money: Make Sure you Aren’t!
If you’re one of those types that insists on discarding money once it’s become dirty, old, or otherwise undesirable, consider this: Every $20 bill you place in the trash is $20 you could have spent on something. With that in mind, next time you’re heading to the paper-shredder, ask yourself, “Could I trade this smudged $5 bill for something useful like low-grade dog food or high-grade fast food? Chances are, you probably can.
STEP 3: Find your Latte Factor, and ENJOY IT!
A happy home is a recession-proof home, and probably vice-versa. And everyone knows the only way to be happy is to compulsively buy something. The key is, make sure whatever you want/need is less than $72. Any more than that, and it could cost you upwards of $72. So indulge, just make sure you’re saving enough money to buy winning lottery tickets, or as they call it in the world of investing, a SURE THING.
STEP 4: Seal Every Gaping Hole
Here’s a secret I learned in the air force: Air makes things cold, especially if you’re going the speed of sound. While most of you won’t be traveling that fast in your homes, having a gaping hold in the side of your house WILL cost you in the end. Not only does it let the warm air OUT, it practically invites pests like emus to waltz into your living room and steal your toasters. And without toasters, how are you going to heat your home in the first place?
STEP 5: If You’re Going to Buy Stocks, don’t.
Allow me to explain the stock market for a second. You hear a lot about people buying and selling stocks. Well, here’s a secret the “brokers” don’t want you to know: Stocks are imaginary. Yes, that’s right, when you buy a stock, you’re buying make-believe stuff. Good luck convincing anyone that your pretend “stocks” are worth anything. First, they’ll ask for proof, evidence, a photo perhaps, then they’ll kick you right out of the Arby’s and tell you to get a job, when all you wanted was a slimy pile of cold cuts on a microwaved bun. How’s that for “playing the market” pal?
STEP 6: Furniture is not the Same as a Money Tree
There’s always a temptation to add more couches and arm-chairs in a time of recession, because they seem to be sources of never ending small change. This is another classic case of, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Only the finest Italian leather sofas and French love seats are true fountains of cash. Cheap knockoffs only produce counterfeit currency, or worse, Mexican Pesos. Don’t get burned. Either buy the best, or save your money and sit on stolen construction supplies. That’s what I do!
STEP 7: Like Clockwork
Some of you have probably noticed that if you set your alarm clock ahead ten minutes, you only arrive 5 minutes late to work instead of the conventional 40. Well, that’s not the only productive time manipulation trick. Next time you buy a word-of-the-day calendar, flip it open to Christmas… and LEAVE IT THERE! Sure, it won’t fool everyone, but even if you fool one or two of your friends, you can get valuable presents every day of the year!
STEP 8: Insurance Fraud can be Fun!
Just kidding. Insurance fraud is a very serious and lucrative business opportunity. For more, see my previous book, “So you Think your Friends Think that your Wife is Dead.”
STEP 9: A Word by any Other Name
One way to keep the recession away from your house is to literally keep “recession” away from your house. Go to your dictionary collection (or reference wing) and open each word-book-thing to the word “recession.” With a scalpel, or any sharp surgical blade, carefully remove the word “recession” and all of its definitions from each book, making sure to leave the opposite side of the page perfectly intact. Note: This only works for 2 dimensional versions. If you don’t have one of these, just burn the whole book. You will be happier knowing that your word-ocide was non-selective.
STEP 10: Just Relax
If you’re like me, and you probably aren’t, you’ll understand soon enough that recessions are temporary, like tornados, and shark attacks. There is no sense worrying about something you can’t control, especially when you can worry about all kinds of other things that ARE in your control, like the young people these days, or professional sports.
So there you have it, 10 simple ways to recession-proof your home. Why not get started today? All it will cost you… is time. And money.
