The Matt Lisac Thing.

The Eh Project Pt. 1

Admin — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 04:17:30 +0000

Did you ever wonder how “eh” became associated with the way Canadians talk? You probably don’t say it, your parents probably don’t say it… I blame Canadian comedians.

exhibit 1:

How Does it Work? Episode 13: The Combination Lock

Admin — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:57:47 +0000

You wouldn’t normally think that mathematics and safety are the two things that go hand in hand, but why not, silly? So thereby come we to The Combination Lock: Man’s testament to the power of numbers, and the strength of math! Many of us spent our childhoods taking combination locks for granted, and with good reason, they’re amazing. To explain a combination lock, you have to go inside the lock, which means that someone needed to make a real big lock in the past before we could understand them as human people. Each number written on the dial is actually represented by a “number” inside the dial, in a perfect 1:1 ratio, otherwise known as Monogamy’s Law. When a number is “selected”, this resets the real-time value of the base code, and subsequent numbers are calculated (also in real time) to be deemed correct or incorrect also according to the fantastic Monogamy’s Law (invented by Monogamy Trent Sr.). After the third selection is made via the turning, a microchip inside the combination lock calculates the viability of the given code sequence, and an electronic signal is sent to the horseshoe part of the lock, also known as the “HSHOE” and the lock either opens in a warm, inviting manner, or stays closed, as if none of this plantronic sequence had taken place, fooling many into believing they had just been dreaming ALIVE! So now that you know how the combination lock works, will you ever look at one in the same stupid way that you used to? I’d say, it’s a LOCK (that you won’t do that.)

How Does it Work? Episode 12: The Microphone

Admin — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:07:33 +0000

The Microphone originally started out as someone’s idea to make a tiny phone. That’s true. Here’s what else: In 2007, the smallest phone (or, CELL PHONE, because they’re small like living skin cells) was actually smaller than the smallest microphone. So that’s interesting, because the language is all backwards now. The microphone takes in noise, through the meshy end, and makes it small enough to fit through a wire. That part is pretty easy, it’s like a funnel. Think of how a funnel works, and that’s what’s going on in a microphone. Here’s where it gets interesting though. For a microphone to work, there needs to be something at the other end to make the sound big again. This is called a macrophone, although nobody calls it by its scientific name any more, they just call them amplifiers now, because it “amps” up the sound. The first microphone was surprisingly large, as if nobody knew how to use Latin very well. It was invented so people could announce things like wrestling matches, which were the first large gatherings of people in the 17th century of Britain. Microphones come in “condenser” and “dynamic” and “hidden”, each of which have their advantages. A condenser microphone makes things “dense” when they get small, whereas a “dynamic” microphone, or “dynamicrophone” makes things really flamboyant. Hidden microphones are what you’d expect, so that’s a no-brainer. Some microphones use “phantom power”, but eeesh, that’s scary stuff.

How Does it Work? Episode 11: Bird Traps

Admin — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:23:49 +0000

One thing that there’s a whole lot of confusion about these days is bird traps. A bird trap is a plastic silhouette of a bird you put on a window, to make sure real birds fly into that window a lot. Some people think that’s not what they’re for, but yeah, it is. These silhouettes of birds successfully flying through a window sends a clear message to all the other birds, saying, “please, fly through this shiny opening.” Of course, if a person wanted to dissuade a bird from flying into their windows, they would put up a silhouette of things that kill birds, like cats, or bigger birds, or Michael Jordan.

Travesty! Episode 2: Support the Troops Car Magnets

Admin — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:37:51 +0000

Two years ago around Remembrance Day, I read a letter to the editor about somebody who had her “Support the Troops” car magnet stolen. I wrote about it, but only felt like sharing it today.

***

I’m beginning to get very angry whenever I see those “Support the Troops” car magnets. They are the lamest, phoniest way of taking credit for other peoples’ bravery. They have NOTHING to do with supporting the troops, and EVERYTHING to do with broadcasting a highly politicized version of moral superiority. Today, someone complained in a letter to the editor that somebody stole the magnet off her car. What is this world coming to, she asserted, when a vandal in the night can just come along and have enough disdain for our freedoms, that they would STEAL a magnet whose express purpose was supporting the troops?

Well lady, if you’re so into supporting the troops, who cares if someone stole your little ribbon? Great! You already donated the 5 bucks, (or whatever it is) for the families of soldiers, isn’t that more important to you than having an over sized fridge magnet? Hell, you should be thrilled at the opportunity to buy another one and support the troops some more! If you were really committed, you wouldn’t have even put it on your car, you would have bought a dozen and given them to all your friends and motivated them to do the same.

But no, that would never do! Then, total strangers would think that your good-for-nothing, troop-hating friends gave money to help military families and you didn’t, because you want all the troops to die.

Heaven forbid the only thing you’d get for your money is the knowledge that you helped somebody you’ll never meet in their time of need, and that’s just not worth the 5 dollars, is it? No, that’s not why you display the gaudy fake ribbon on the bumper of your Chevy Silverado. Oddly enough, if people like you rode your bikes a little more, and drove your Silverados a little less, there wouldn’t be quite so many troops in the Middle East. The Iraqis might as well be sitting on Jell-o if we didn’t need their oil so much.

Troops don’t need any more fake support, they get enough of that already, for good reason, too. What better way to convince young men and women to do brutal, dangerous work that most of us wouldn’t dream of doing, than by constantly heaping meaningless platitudes like “support” on them. It’s easier than paying them more, which reminds me, troops also get another kind of support, it’s called a livable salary. They’re paid to do a job, and they do it. How about a ribbon that says Support the Pacifists? Or Support the Scientists? They’re the ones that need our support these days [George W. Bush still President at the time of writing]. What about Support the Prostitutes? Support the Janitors! Support the Garbage Collectors! They all do hard, thankless work that nobody else wants to do, and they don’t get paid well either. Not to mention, they all have dirty, used equipment too.

Garbage men have wives and children.

“When’s daddy coming home?”

“I don’t know, Tommy, I don’t know… It depends if he gets deployed to… Riverbend…”

“Daddy might go to Riverbend?”

“Yes Tommy, he might.”

“But there’s so much garbage there, he might never come back…”

“Do NOT talk like that Tommy, he’ll come back, I know he’ll come back. Oh, look, a car just drove by with a magnet that says ‘Support the Garbage Men’ on it! Did you see that, Tommy? It was shaped like a ribbon! It’s going to be OK!!!!”

***

Ugh, Support the Troops Car Magnets. What a travesty.