Note: The following piece was taken from a 23rd Century text, a tome on environmentally friendly living, which was (will be) wildly successful and influential. The circumstances of its appearance in this, the 21st Century, will likely be explained in a future e-post. It has to do with the internet, and the physical properties of ether(net). In the mean time, though, enjoy the introduction to this magnificent future book.
Hello, welcome to the new, expanded, 35th edition of Eco-Friendly Lifestyle, the leading publication on living an environmentally friendly life. This edition was printed on recycled paper made entirely from recycled drug store flyers. The ink is an amalgam of toothpaste left at the end of the tubes found at the dump, and black hair dye #4E, “Radiant Twilight”, discontinued for its tendency to cause “Radiant Brain Cancer”.
The first thing you’ll notice is that we have added 2 new chapters dealing entirely with the problem of skin flakes and hair loss. Great strides have been made in vacuum-trouser technology since our last publication, and we feel confident that the rampant epidermal carpet-bombing should be curbed shortly.
Also, in chapter 38, we take you on a tour of an orange peel disposal plant where they burn the orange peels, then burn the ashes of the orange peels, then sequester the smoke and residue in great steel drums made from repossessed Ford Taurus Wagons, which are then jettisoned to the sun using wind-powered cannons. Behold, the march of progress!
You will find revisions in “Chapter 7: Liquid Gold – Converting Urine to Table Cloths”, with all new macramé patterns, including, “Balloons Over Dover” and, “Dogs with Lollipops” among others.
We’ve printed various letters we received after the last edition, but in order to save paper and ink, they have all been reproduced on a single page, illegible to those not in the possession of an electron microscope. (Editor’s note: You can find such a microscope in any number of universities, a list of which is printed on a smaller, even more illegible footnote.)
We realize that for many of our readers, ecological intelligence is not just a hobby, but a life choice, so for those people we have included some suggested prayers, as well as the names of several eco-friendly patron saints. Like St. Almo, patron saint of personal methane sequestration, and St. Blank, who voluntarily removed all the letters from his name because, “the earth had too many letters in it already.” Ironically, St. Blank takes more letters to spell than the original name given to him by his parents, which was Io Fe. I guess we know where his attitude toward short names came from! St. Blank is also the patron saint of hypocrisy.
Lastly, we encourage you, the reader, to not only proselytize our message of hope, but once finished, return the book to us so we can sell the pre-read copy of it. If you are currently reading a pre-read copy, thank you for being a better human being than the last person. St. Almo would approve!
Thank you, and enjoy! From your friends at Chemcor, leading manufacturer of lead-based oil extractors and oil extracting equipment also made of lead.
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