***

I’m beginning to get very angry whenever I see those “Support the Troops” car magnets.  They are the lamest, phoniest way of taking credit for other peoples’ bravery.  They have NOTHING to do with supporting the troops, and EVERYTHING to do with broadcasting a highly politicized version of moral superiority.  Today, someone complained in a letter to the editor that somebody  stole the magnet off her car.  What is this world coming to, she asserted, when a vandal in the night can just come along and have enough disdain for our freedoms, that they would STEAL a magnet whose express purpose was supporting the troops?

Well lady, if you’re so into supporting the troops, who cares if someone stole your little ribbon?  Great!  You already donated the 5 bucks, (or whatever it is) for the families of soldiers, isn’t that more important to you than having an over sized fridge magnet?  Hell, you should be thrilled at the opportunity to buy another one and support the troops some more!  If you were really committed, you wouldn’t have even put it on your car, you would have bought a dozen and given them to all your friends and motivated them to do the same.

But no, that would never do!  Then, total strangers would think that your good-for-nothing, troop-hating friends gave money to help military families and you didn’t, because you want all the troops to die.

Heaven forbid the only thing you’d get for your money is the knowledge that you helped somebody you’ll never meet in their time of need, and that’s just not worth the 5 dollars, is it?  No, that’s not why you display the gaudy fake ribbon on the bumper of your Chevy Silverado.  Oddly enough, if people like you rode your bikes a little more, and drove your Silverados a little less, there wouldn’t be quite so many troops in the Middle East.  The Iraqis might as well be sitting on Jell-o if we didn’t need their oil so much.

Troops don’t need any more fake support, they get enough of that already, for good reason, too.  What better way to convince young men and women to do brutal, dangerous work that most of us wouldn’t dream of doing, than by constantly heaping meaningless platitudes like “support” on them.  It’s easier than paying them more, which reminds me, troops also get another kind of support, it’s called a livable salary.  They’re paid to do a job, and they do it.  How about a ribbon that says Support the Pacifists?  Or Support the Scientists?  They’re the ones that need our support these days [George W. Bush still President at the time of writing].  What about Support the Prostitutes?  Support the Janitors!  Support the Garbage Collectors!  They all do hard, thankless work that nobody else wants to do, and they don’t get paid well either.  Not to mention, they all have dirty, used equipment too.

Garbage men have wives and children. 

“When’s daddy coming home?”

“I don’t know, Tommy, I don’t know… It depends if he gets deployed to… Riverbend…”

“Daddy might go to Riverbend?”

“Yes Tommy, he might.”

“But there’s so much garbage there, he might never come back…”

“Do NOT talk like that Tommy, he’ll come back, I know he’ll come back.   Oh, look, a car just drove by with a magnet that says ‘Support the Garbage Men’ on it!  Did you see that, Tommy?   It was shaped like a ribbon!  It’s going to be OK!!!!”

***

Ugh, Support the Troops Car Magnets.  What a travesty.

It’s sad that Reality TV has warped our minds so much that it’s somehow a surprise when someone unattractive is good at something.  Not just that, but being ugly and talented is something to be applauded now, like some sort of accomplishment. It’s like saying, “Hah! You sure showed them! Most people wouldn’t have even left the mock-less confines of their home, but you stepped out and achieved something, which so few ugly people do.”

The Susan Boyle Experience is exactly like the Andrea Bocelli Phenomenon. One of thousands of talented singers, Bocelli has made a fortune by picking a song to ride, (you know the one I’m talking about, even if you don’t know the name) and by being blind. Any time a new listener is introduced to Bocelli, the conversation turns immediately to, “he’s blind, too!”  Usually before the first note is even played.

How his blindness, or her ugliness, has ANYTHING to do with singing is beyond me. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that the fully-sighted can’t imagine a blind man, not just NOT killing himself, but actually choosing to become good at something. Now, if Bocelli or Susan Boyle had been born deaf, and could still sing well, that would be a cause for congratulations. But they aren’t.  It’s REALLY hard to sing when you’re deaf.

Susan Boyle’s success says just as much about Reality TV as it say about our cultural bias towards the attractive.

Susan Boyle Syndrome is a high school mentality. It is a freak show that you can feel good about. It is every episode of Maury Povich. It is an episode of Oprah where she shows a motivational story about a man with an upper torso and arms and that’s it. Dressed up as a motivational story, these ratings-magnets only exist for their freak show elements, but we the viewers feel we can watch without shame if the freak is either happy, or talented.

Normally talent shows like Idol or Britain’s Got Talent used the William Hungs of the world for their freak show draw. People who are awkward, untalented, funny-looking, but naïve enough to still have self-respect. As long as William Hung thinks he’s ok, I can laugh at his ugly qualities all I want.

The same goes for Susan Boyle:  We watch because she’s ugly, but we feel good about ourselves because she can sing well.

It wasn’t THAT long ago that you didn’t have to be pretty to be talented. Sure, it’s always helped, but consider the following:

• FDR: polio
• Janis Joplin: Ugly
• Bob Dylan: Weird looking
• Van Morrison: Wow…
• Miss Piggy: A pig

What do all these people/puppets have in common?  They all became famous for their abilities/merits/hilarious obsessions with funny frogs.

Part of the problem is supply and demand. Now that computers can make anybody sing, or pretty, suddenly the supply of attractive singers has skyrocketed (sometimes people just don’t sing on their own albums, see: Ashanti and Jennifer Lopez). Most listeners don’t care if the voice they’re hearing is real, fake, or digitized. Rhythm, melody, and harmony are all more important. (If you don’t believe me, borrow your weird aunt’s version of jingle cats. Trust me, people actually bought that stuff. With money!)

Music videos did their share of putting looks over talent, but don’t blame MTV, you judgmental baby-boomers. Remember the Beatles? They had to quit touring and playing live before people (women) would actually listen to their music. “Help!”, “Long Day’s Night”, and any movie with Elvis are just as much to blame as MTV

Fact: A clip of a moderately attractive woman singing with Susan Boyle’s voice would not have found its way into 13 million computers.

If Susan Boyle had really opened peoples minds to the idea that looks and talent are un-related, I would be thrilled. Shocked, but thrilled. But there won’t suddenly be an influx of Plain Jane, stay-at-home middle aged moms on the top 40, no matter how well they can sing. We like pretty people too much to go back. We may invite an ugly singer into our homes once in a while, but 5 years from now if anyone is still listening to Susan Boyle after the gimmicky TV surprise has worn off, well, let’s just say even Susan Boyle herself wouldn’t have dreamed THAT dream.