The Matt Lisac Thing.

If there’s one thing that makes the world a gross place, it’s definitely pollution. Pollution can be defined as something that makes the world a gross place. Some examples of pollution include chocolate bar wrappers, car exhaust, and anything made of lead, pretty much. Unfortunately, people really like buying pollution. The tricky thing is that pollution is always disguised as something really cool, like a chocolate bar, or a sweet new car, or anything made of lead. But something happens after someone buys those things, it magically turns bad. How does it work?  Well, when we don’t have something, that thing seems great, but once we have something and use it, it’s not so great, and voila! Pollution! Thankfully we invented recycling, which is a process of turning things we don’t want anymore into things we feel guilty if we don’t buy. This process of guilt induction is the magic ingredient to solving the problem of pollution. Another solution would be to disobey the laws of physics, but the Police of Physics are pretty tough, and I don’t want to even get into it.

Microwave ovens have been a mystery for over 6,000 years. It was only recently that we even invented them, before that it was an even bigger mystery. The unique thing about microwaves is the way their doors open from side to side, instead of the standard upsy-downsy manner. This actually has to do with the physics. Microwaves are named after the primary food they cook, microwave popcorn, which was next to impossible to cook before microwaves. Microwaves emit beams of microtrons (a smaller version of the macrotron) at precisely the right levels to imitate human fire. The beams are so active, that metal will just go crazy if it’s inside, because metal is the antithesis of microwave popcorn, so the anti-matter involved is at exactly the wrong frequency wavelength. If you open the door to a microwave while it’s cooking, some of these microtrons will absorb into your skin, and make you feel like your chicken is rubbery. That’s one of the remaining mysteries of the microwave oven.  The other is inside-out butter melting, but really, who knows, right?

Plants are all over the place, but some people say that isn’t enough. Plants come in all different sizes. Some you can step on, and some that are way bigger than the average guy. Most plants are coloured green, because that’s how nature tells us what’s an animal and what isn’t. If it’s green, it’s probably not an animal, so no worries if you’re out in the forest and you see something green, because hey, it isn’t going anywhere. Plants live off mostly dirt, but ironically, dirt lives off mostly plants, so it’s just a game of back and forth. Plants also like water a lot, and several plants need sunlight to activate the food-eating process. It’s kind of like a microwave and kraft dinner in a way. That’s pretty much how plants work.

The telephone, or “smellophone” as it is humourously referred to in certain circles, is one of the seven technological wonders of the 20th or 19th century. Nobody really knows how it was invented, probably because things that amazing make really good secrets. The telephone is a thing that your voice can go through, like a paper towel roll, or puberty. To demonstrate how a phone works, take two tin cans, and connect them with a string. Then, watch what happens when you talk into one of them.  A good can always knows when to listen.  Anyway, this is a good way to tell if your string is made of telephone cable.  If it isn’t, you will hear a beep-beep-beep coming out of your leftover Ragu.  That’s pretty much how a phone works, I guess.

Flight is the act of things going through the air and not touching the ground a lot.  Flight can also be achieved over water, but it is a little harder.  At first only things like birds and bees could fly, and scientists thought it had something to do with sex, but it didn’t unfortunately.  Now, thanks to Jerry Bernoulli, flight is possible for all kinds of things.  The key is to make air go really fast and really slow, on either side of a thing, like a wing, or a box.  This makes the one side lighter than the other, and bingo, flying box!  (Watch out for landing boxes.)  The Wright Brothers were the first siblings to try flying together, and it didn’t work very well, because they were always bickering on who got the window seat.  Also, Wilbur was a big fat guy, so he was chosen to stay on the ground while his brother Orville was flying and inventing microwave popcorn, the second-best invention after flight.