Update from Cairo, Day 1

Fighting the anti-government swine one rock at a time.

This is me in Cairo, day one. Flew over the pyramids on my way in, not much to look at when you’re above, just looks like a bunch of squares drawn in the ground with an X in the middle. Could this have been the plan all along? Historians will tell you no, and that’s why I don’t read books.

nothing special

Two lines away from making the little house, you fail.

Got a quick rundown on what was going on politically as soon as I landed by an angry Arabic-speaking taxi driver. Oh no wait, sorry, that was on my way to the airport.

Picked up a newspaper when I landed, watched the news for a bit, and found out that the old president Hosni Mubarek (Mubarek is the last name of 37% of Egyptians believe it or not) was doing JUST FINE. In fact, it seemed from the media that Mr. Hosni was as popular and stabilizing as ever, so I quickly sided with the pro-Mubarek camp, and made friends with a bunch of police officers. I knew I was on the right side because the police are always right.

Anyway, I headed downtown, but first stopped at the Al-Walimar (yes, Walmart is in Egypt too) to find some gear to fit in a little better. I already had the beard, which was lucky, but I needed a man-purse to carry my stuff around town (see above), and also needed some armor for the conflict. Luckily they did have man-bags, but all I could find for body-protection was a bucket. Actually, because of hording, all that they had left were man-bags and buckets (bunch of homophobes.) I couldn’t tell if they had lots of buckets left because Egyptians LOVE their buckets, or because nobody EVER buys buckets, but it turned out to be the right choice, once I made some clever adjustments that the wife recommended. Splitting the bucket down the middle, you see, gives it a lever to open and close like the old medieval helmets.

I think I came pretty close

I soon found my way downtown (“just take me to where all the shit is happening”) and tipped the guy what I thought was an appropriate amount of Egyptian currency, but considering the guy starting crying and massaging my feet and showering me with roses, I may have miscalculated. Anyhoo, lesson learned.

Once at the battlefield, I found my fellow pro-Mubarekians, and engaged myself in what seemed to be the world’s worst game of dodgeball, played with rocks, and if you hit someone, they aren’t out, they just shoot tear-gas at your face. SOME GAME YOU GOT GOING HERE, EGYPT!

After a long day of throwing stuff, I retreated to my hotel, the Al-Bestwestern, but they gave me two double beds instead of the single King-size that I had CLEARLY REQUESTED OVER SKYPE… ugh…. anyway, this is real life politics and stuff, so I won’t complain. It’s just good to help out.

More news as it happens, all my love to Canada,


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