How to Recession-Proof Your Home

Recession is a big, scary word. The good news is that it’s just that: a word. Just a word, and a crippling series of economic events that leaves millions of innocent, hard working people in destitution.

That said, recession is more than just a word for many. But fear not, my disenfranchised automaton, there is something you can do. Every day, ordinary Canadians are doing little things to fight the recession where it counts most: in the home.

Recession-proofing your home is easier than it sounds, and it sounds next to impossible! If you follow these simple, easy to understand, laborious steps, your home will weather the storm like a straw bale in a hurricane.

STEP 1: Rid Yourself of the Very Old/Young

This may seem like a no-brainer to some, but it’s surprising how many people continue to bear (keep) children (seniors) in a time of hardship. I once counselled a kind Chinese couple (I only mention that they’re Chinese because I feel their ethnicity ascribes certain behavioural/societal defects to them that would otherwise be hard to explain) who were still taking care of 3 out of their 4 parents, despite the fact that none of the three was working a full-time job! People, you can scrimp and save all you want, but useless dependents will always be a drain on your bank statement. Young children are even worse than the elderly, as they go through more clothes and just as many diapers.

STEP 2: Throwing Away Money: Make Sure you Aren’t!

If you’re one of those types that insists on discarding money once it’s become dirty, old, or otherwise undesirable, consider this: Every $20 bill you place in the trash is $20 you could have spent on something. With that in mind, next time you’re heading to the paper-shredder, ask yourself, “Could I trade this smudged $5 bill for something useful like low-grade dog food or high-grade fast food? Chances are, you probably can.

STEP 3: Find your Latte Factor, and ENJOY IT!

A happy home is a recession-proof home, and probably vice-versa. And everyone knows the only way to be happy is to compulsively buy something. The key is, make sure whatever you want/need is less than $72. Any more than that, and it could cost you upwards of $72. So indulge, just make sure you’re saving enough money to buy winning lottery tickets, or as they call it in the world of investing, a SURE THING.

STEP 4: Seal Every Gaping Hole

Here’s a secret I learned in the air force: Air makes things cold, especially if you’re going the speed of sound. While most of you won’t be traveling that fast in your homes, having a gaping hold in the side of your house WILL cost you in the end. Not only does it let the warm air OUT, it practically invites pests like emus to waltz into your living room and steal your toasters. And without toasters, how are you going to heat your home in the first place?

STEP 5: If You’re Going to Buy Stocks, don’t.

Allow me to explain the stock market for a second. You hear a lot about people buying and selling stocks. Well, here’s a secret the “brokers” don’t want you to know: Stocks are imaginary. Yes, that’s right, when you buy a stock, you’re buying make-believe stuff. Good luck convincing anyone that your pretend “stocks” are worth anything. First, they’ll ask for proof, evidence, a photo perhaps, then they’ll kick you right out of the Arby’s and tell you to get a job, when all you wanted was a slimy pile of cold cuts on a microwaved bun. How’s that for “playing the market” pal?

STEP 6: Furniture is not the Same as a Money Tree

There’s always a temptation to add more couches and arm-chairs in a time of recession, because they seem to be sources of never ending small change. This is another classic case of, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

Only the finest Italian leather sofas and French love seats are true fountains of cash. Cheap knockoffs only produce counterfeit currency, or worse, Mexican Pesos. Don’t get burned. Either buy the best, or save your money and sit on stolen construction supplies. That’s what I do!

STEP 7: Like Clockwork

Some of you have probably noticed that if you set your alarm clock ahead ten minutes, you only arrive 5 minutes late to work instead of the conventional 40. Well, that’s not the only productive time manipulation trick. Next time you buy a word-of-the-day calendar, flip it open to Christmas… and LEAVE IT THERE! Sure, it won’t fool everyone, but even if you fool one or two of your friends, you can get valuable presents every day of the year!

STEP 8: Insurance Fraud can be Fun!

Just kidding. Insurance fraud is a very serious and lucrative business opportunity. For more, see my previous book, “So you Think your Friends Think that your Wife is Dead.”

STEP 9: A Word by any Other Name

One way to keep the recession away from your house is to literally keep “recession” away from your house. Go to your dictionary collection (or reference wing) and open each word-book-thing to the word “recession.” With a scalpel, or any sharp surgical blade, carefully remove the word “recession” and all of its definitions from each book, making sure to leave the opposite side of the page perfectly intact. Note: This only works for 2 dimensional versions. If you don’t have one of these, just burn the whole book. You will be happier knowing that your word-ocide was non-selective.

STEP 10: Just Relax

If you’re like me, and you probably aren’t, you’ll understand soon enough that recessions are temporary, like tornados, and shark attacks. There is no sense worrying about something you can’t control, especially when you can worry about all kinds of other things that ARE in your control, like the young people these days, or professional sports.
So there you have it, 10 simple ways to recession-proof your home. Why not get started today? All it will cost you… is time. And money.

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