The Microphone originally started out as someone’s idea to make a tiny phone. That’s true. Here’s what else: In 2007, the smallest phone (or, CELL PHONE, because they’re small like living skin cells) was actually smaller than the smallest microphone. So that’s interesting, because the language is all backwards now. The microphone takes in noise, through the meshy end, and makes it small enough to fit through a wire. That part is pretty easy, it’s like a funnel. Think of how a funnel works, and that’s what’s going on in a microphone. Here’s where it gets interesting though. For a microphone to work, there needs to be something at the other end to make the sound big again. This is called a macrophone, although nobody calls it by its scientific name any more, they just call them amplifiers now, because it “amps” up the sound. The first microphone was surprisingly large, as if nobody knew how to use Latin very well. It was invented so people could announce things like wrestling matches, which were the first large gatherings of people in the 17th century of Britain. Microphones come in “condenser” and “dynamic” and “hidden”, each of which have their advantages. A condenser microphone makes things “dense” when they get small, whereas a “dynamic” microphone, or “dynamicrophone” makes things really flamboyant. Hidden microphones are what you’d expect, so that’s a no-brainer. Some microphones use “phantom power”, but eeesh, that’s scary stuff.
How Does it Work? Episode 12: The Microphone
January 8th, 2010How Does it Work? Episode 11: Bird Traps
November 13th, 2009
One thing that there’s a whole lot of confusion about these days is bird traps. A bird trap is a plastic silhouette of a bird you put on a window, to make sure real birds fly into that window a lot. Some people think that’s not what they’re for, but yeah, it is. These silhouettes of birds successfully flying through a window sends a clear message to all the other birds, saying, “please, fly through this shiny opening.” Of course, if a person wanted to dissuade a bird from flying into their windows, they would put up a silhouette of things that kill birds, like
cats, or bigger birds, or Michael Jordan.
Travesty! Episode 2: Support the Troops Car Magnets
November 11th, 2009Two years ago around Remembrance Day, I read a letter to the editor about somebody who had her “Support the Troops” car magnet stolen. I wrote about it, but only felt like sharing it today.
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I’m beginning to get very angry whenever I see those “Support the Troops” car magnets. They are the lamest, phoniest way of taking credit for other peoples’ bravery. They have NOTHING to do with supporting the troops, and EVERYTHING to do with broadcasting a highly politicized version of moral superiority. Today, someone complained in a letter to the editor that somebody stole the magnet off her car. What is this world coming to, she asserted, when a vandal in the night can just come along and have enough disdain for our freedoms, that they would STEAL a magnet whose express purpose was supporting the troops?
Well lady, if you’re so into supporting the troops, who cares if someone stole your little ribbon? Great! You already donated the 5 bucks, (or whatever it is) for the families of soldiers, isn’t that more important to you than having an over sized fridge magnet? Hell, you should be thrilled at the opportunity to buy another one and support the troops some more! If you were really committed, you wouldn’t have even put it on your car, you would have bought a dozen and given them to all your friends and motivated them to do the same.
But no, that would never do! Then, total strangers would think that your good-for-nothing, troop-hating friends gave money to help military families and you didn’t, because you want all the troops to die.
Heaven forbid the only thing you’d get for your money is the knowledge that you helped somebody you’ll never meet in their time of need, and that’s just not worth the 5 dollars, is it? No, that’s not why you display the gaudy fake ribbon on the bumper of your Chevy Silverado. Oddly enough, if people like you rode your bikes a little more, and drove your Silverados a little less, there wouldn’t be quite so many troops in the Middle East. The Iraqis might as well be sitting on Jell-o if we didn’t need their oil so much.
Troops don’t need any more fake support, they get enough of that already, for good reason, too. What better way to convince young men and women to do brutal, dangerous work that most of us wouldn’t dream of doing, than by constantly heaping meaningless platitudes like “support” on them. It’s easier than paying them more, which reminds me, troops also get another kind of support, it’s called a livable salary. They’re paid to do a job, and they do it. How about a ribbon that says Support the Pacifists? Or Support the Scientists? They’re the ones that need our support these days [George W. Bush still President at the time of writing]. What about Support the Prostitutes? Support the Janitors! Support the Garbage Collectors! They all do hard, thankless work that nobody else wants to do, and they don’t get paid well either. Not to mention, they all have dirty, used equipment too.
Garbage men have wives and children.
“When’s daddy coming home?”
“I don’t know, Tommy, I don’t know… It depends if he gets deployed to… Riverbend…”
“Daddy might go to Riverbend?”
“Yes Tommy, he might.”
“But there’s so much garbage there, he might never come back…”
“Do NOT talk like that Tommy, he’ll come back, I know he’ll come back. Oh, look, a car just drove by with a magnet that says ‘Support the Garbage Men’ on it! Did you see that, Tommy? It was shaped like a ribbon! It’s going to be OK!!!!”
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Ugh, Support the Troops Car Magnets. What a travesty.
How Does it Work? Episode 10: The Minivan
October 26th, 2009As far as vans go, the minivan has to be one of the smallest. You can chalk this up to technological smallening, or nanotechnology. The minivan has many of the features of a regular car or van, except it’s not! First of all, the standard 4 and a half seat arrangement has been drastically altered in the interest of people who can’t stop having babies. Secondly, a roof that normally slopes back down to the butt-end is adjusted to make head-room where there is usually trunk room. Eat your heart out, Professor Albert Einstein! Unfortunately, there is some nasty folklore that says only the mothers of child-aged soccer players drive minivans. This kind of demented thinking is the only thing holding the minivan back from being the most celebrated vehicle sub-type in the civilised world. Nevertheless, car scientists and small-van enthusiasts will flock to minivan museums for years, to marvel in the wonder of these fantastic machines. Plus, lots of them have DVD players and little TV screens inside them. Holy smokes! With all these incredible features in the minivan, it’s a wonder that it can still fly, just like the bumblebee. But at least now you know how it works.
How Does it Work? Episode 9: Pollution
October 13th, 2009If there’s one thing that makes the world a gross place, it’s definitely pollution. Pollution can be defined as something that makes the world a gross place. Some examples of pollution include chocolate bar wrappers, car exhaust, and anything made of lead, pretty much. Unfortunately, people really like buying pollution. The tricky thing is that pollution is always disguised as something really cool, like a chocolate bar, or a sweet new car, or anything made of lead. But something happens after someone buys those things, it magically turns bad. How does it work? Well, when we don’t have something, that thing seems great, but once we have something and use it, it’s not so great, and voila! Pollution! Thankfully we invented recycling, which is a process of turning things we don’t want anymore into things we feel guilty if we don’t buy. This process of guilt induction is the magic ingredient to solving the problem of pollution. Another solution would be to disobey the laws of physics, but the Police of Physics are pretty tough, and I don’t want to even get into it.
