From the Notebook: Animals

**In this series, I  just publish stuff from old notebooks that never really saw the true light of day, usually for good reasons.  Because I’m lazy.**

I pitched a show to A&E the other day about a bloodhound named Bounty that tracks down irresponsible racist rednecks.  It’s called, “Bounty the Dog, the Dog the Bounty-Hunter-Hunting Dog.”

I had a dream where PETA found out how to actually turn into animals, and they all turned themselves into chickens and got run over by trucks while crossing the road, just to protest the joke.

My dog got into the garbage today.  I asked him what he was thinking, he said, “At least I didn’t murder someone in cold blood.”  If there’s one thing I hate about having a dog, it’s the moral relativism.  Also the garbage thing.

If it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, how come there are so many dogs running around all hungry-looking?

Kinsella – Not Your Average Town

Greetings from Kinsella, Alberta!

 

Here it is!

Have you ever played ordinary bingo?  Yes?  Well, that’s probably because you’ve never been to Kinsella, Alberta, home of the extraordinary.

What else are you going to do on a Tuesday in Kinsella?

While most septuagenarians in rural towns play standard bingo, the prairie vanguards of Kinsella play Satellite Bingo (see photo, right)!  Here’s how it works:  everyone goes over to Jim and Nancy’s on Tuesday.  They’re the only ones in town who have satellite TV.  Most people assume Jim and Nancy actually own a satellite in space.  Those people are wrong.

Someone picks a numbered ball out of a cage, and if you can guess what channel corresponds to that number (eg. Fishing Network, Bowling Network, Home Quilting Network, etc…) then you get to watch that channel until the next ball comes up.  Sure Jim and Nancy always win (they own the only TV guide in town too), but most people are just happy to be out of the house, and in front of the only 27″ TV in existence (as far as they know.)

 

"Watch your t's, bro, slow down"

 

Bingo isn’t the only thing they do differently in Kinsella.  Local resident Hal Thompson decided he was going to make up his own unit to measure speed, called, predictably, “the Thompson”.  It’s based on how fast he thinks he can run.  15 years ago, the forward-thinking town council adopted the Thompson as their official measure of speed, and put it on their signs.  The typical speed limit is 32t.  Of course,  nobody really knows how fast 32t is, but it doesn’t matter, because nobody owns a car.

 

"Now boarding: nobody!"

 

Also pictured here is the failed Kinsella Airport.  They had hoped the motto, “If you build it, they will come” would hold true for airports.  It certainly didn’t.  Now it is home to the annual North American Commercial Building Squatters Association Conference.  The town collects zero dollars from it.  Obviously.

People here are friendly and accommodating, especially if you’re not a minority.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM KINSELLA (other than Jim and Nancy):

-W.P. Kinsella, celebrated Canadian author (only in town during a brief 3-day kidnapping ordeal to celebrate the opening of the airport.  They built it, and no one came, so they let him go back home to Edmonton.)

-Janeen Darvishire, famous for an appearance on the Russian reality show, “So You Think You Can Grow Cucumbers”

-Frank Sinatra, woodworker with the same name as Frank Sinatra.

Loving life on the prairies!

Matt

Hughenden – City of Hidden Beauty

Hello from Hughenden!

Here it is!

Nestled in the South-Eastern region of Alberta, rising above the landscape like a blade of quack grass rises slightly above a lawn of ordinary grass, is a gem of a town called Hughenden.  Founded in 1743 by a trio of Franciscan monks, Hugh Chapeau, Ennis Mault, and, (as legend has it) the world’s only sentient Denver Omelette, Hughenden derived its name from their three first names combined, HughEnDen.

We're open. No, really, we're open!!!!

Current population -12 (everyone is out of town at the moment), the main industry of Hughenden is custom windows and doors made entirely from plywood.  Unfortunately, when the first (and only) restaurant in town had completely made over their storefront with these unique plywood fixtures, business ground to a halt, with all visitors to the joint restaurant/confectionary assuming it was closed permanently.  Can you say, “refund?”

Now, Hughenden’s best public attraction is the town library/used book store/internet cafe/public restroom/plumbing supply store/volunteer police force recruiting centre/school/daycare/photo booth/laundromat/liquor store/un-authorized AMA branch/town hall/museum/kennel/jail.  It’s at Ted’s house (not pictured for legal reasons).

"Well, if we sell all the books, we won't have to keep the library open!"

If you’re wondering where all the residents of Hughenden are, look no further than the next town down the highway.  Each summer the whole town goes on a field trip to a better town so they have something to talk about for the rest of the year.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM HUGHENDEN:

-John Davis, inventor of the spiciest pepperoni stick ever made.

-Tad Grenwich, bronze medal, adult tricycle 500M trials, 1972 World Championships of Unexpected Transportation.

-Hal Hefford, pretty good guy.

Anyway, I miss you all back home, I’ll write again when I get to the next exciting town.

Matt

Killam – A Cartographer’s Dream

Hello from Killam!

Here it is!

I know you’ve heard a lot about Killam, in movies, in Broadway musicals, and especially in 19th Century Russian literature, but prepare to forget everything you THOUGHT you knew about Killam.

It's important to enjoy the little things, like big ice cream cones.


Dubbed the “Ice Cream Capital”, Killam is actually more well-known for sorbets and other flavoured ice products, but in 1865, the original Killam Chamber of Commerce (a guy named Doug) decided (correctly) that dairy desserts looked better on road-side signage, and the decision has stuck.

Killam is now home to the Culinary Institute of Conical Dessert Accessories, specializing in the art and science of edible serving device preparation.  You might not be familiar with the Institute (student population 3), but you might be familiar with the Waffle Cone.  Well, so are they!  It wasn’t invented there, but it represents an entire semester of learning.  Fill your boots, foodies!

The town motto, confusingly, is “Drive safely, avoid accidents, Killam”.  (See town sign in picture, above.)  For over a century, it was, “Drive safely, avoid accidents, kill’em”, and residents loved it a lot.  When vehicular homicide was made illegal in 1946, they changed the name of their town from “Staplertown” to “Killam” so they could continue to use the motto at ceremonies, sporting events, and in singing the civic anthem “Killam Well, Killam All”.  Not just a catchy town motto, this phrase now serves as a reminder to NOT hit people with cars.  According to town’s statistical records, since 1946, there has never been a single vehicular accident in Killam (not counting accidents involving a man named Jeff, Geoff, Jef, Geff, etc…) which would place it easily in the Guiness Book of World Records, if the book included dumb records like that.

Killam was also the first town in the Western world to have the map of their entire town painted on the side of the biggest building in town (see picture, below).  This process is known as “pulling a Killam” and means a short-sighted, ill-advised waste of money on public art, because towns change size, and the sides of buildings don’t, generally.  Killam however, will never face this problem.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM KILLAM:

TRIVIA TIME: The building that the map was painted on... ISN'T ON THE MAP!

-Sandra Jacobavich, flute player in Augusto Pinochet’s personal traveling woodwind quintet, The Augustinotes (1974-1975).

-Fiona Reading, the first person from Killam to learn what reading is, and how it could be used in today’s society for the betterment of humanity (1983).

-The world’s 9th tallest three-legged cow on record, named Harvey (two-term Mayor of Killam, 1965-1976).

Well, I guess it’s back to the tour bus now, I hope the weather back home is mild.

Best regards imaginable,

Matt

Cave In: Youth Overrided guitar chords

I have never posted a tab, or chords, or anything, but I wanted to learn Youth Overrided by Cave In, and I couldn’t find anything, so I figured it out myself in hopes that someone else might have a similar interest.

I am, however, too lazy to write up a tab, hopefully you understand chords. Go find a chord dictionary if you don’t.

Also, I’m not 100% sure on the very first chord, the Eaug5th, if you can find a better chord, let me know. I think it might just be the 2nd guitar harmony that’s throwing me off, it sounds pretty close.

Try it out, let me know how it goes.

-Matt

Youth Overrided by Cave In
guitar chords (hopefully)

Verse:
Eaug5th * B * G#min * C#dim3

Chorus:
Same as verse, but play the Eaug5 and the B up on the 7th fret. I just think it sounds better.
Eaug5th * B * G#min * C#dim3

Bridge:
C#dim3 (strum the 7th fret E powerchord) * B * A * G# * E * B * F#